I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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