Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
