she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
