Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
