Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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