She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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