is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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