So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I know her cup size but not her name....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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