Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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