Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
