I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
