Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
