she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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