Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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