My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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