Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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