He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
