Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I touched a dick in church today
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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