I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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