and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
