are you still at the devil's house?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
