TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
