Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
