My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
His hands were made for my vagina.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
