i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
