I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
