Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
