This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
