I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
