i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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