My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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