So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
