so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
