just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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