just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
