my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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