one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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