i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
