WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
