I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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