I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
