Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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