Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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