So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
