i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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