It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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