The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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