Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I believe in your delicious
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
