she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
