I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
