Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
