the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
