please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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