my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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