he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
