Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
