You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
