I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
