Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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